Archive for December, 2012

The Beauty of Kissing

kissingI love kissing.

 It is so up close and personal, more intimate than anything else we do, even sex. Sex can be mechanical, but not kissing.

 Our lips have more nerve endings than any other part of the body except the genitals. I like to explore all of the sensations they are capable of giving and receiving. The softest brush. The lingering caress. The first touch of a tongue teasing its way between my lips. The demand that my mouth open so it can be penetrated fully. The best is that first kiss, when I’ve been waiting to discover what the other person’s mouth feels like. How their lips are shaped, how their tongue moves. The build of anticipation makes it so electric. There is magic in that moment when you both know you’re about to kiss for the first time.

 Kissing is more passionate than fucking. In the intimacy of a kiss I let my guard down and allow myself to really connect with the other person. Without kissing, sex becomes impersonal, simply a manipulation of the body. When my lover takes his time kissing me, I become more receptive to sensation. Sex takes on layers of complexity, multiplying the pleasure.

 I don’t think it’s possible to kiss without emotion. So if you’ve grown distant from your lover, if your relationship lacks intimacy, try kissing. Take your time about it, and pay attention to the feelings that rise to the surface for yourself and for your partner. It’s a simple and beautiful way to re-establish your connection.





Writing BDSM Erotica

SubmissiveI first started writing BDSM erotica as fan fiction several years ago, and posted it at a few fanfic sites. It was something I did for my own enjoyment and because some fellow fans enjoyed it as well. My only intention was to entertain and turn people on. It never occurred to me that it might actually have a more profound effect on people’s lives.

 One of my readers back then contacted me and thanked me for sharing those stories. She said they had introduced her to a world she didn’t know existed, and had shown her that the fantasies and things that aroused her were not sick. For the first time she felt she didn’t have to be ashamed of her desires, and now had a way to explore them. Reading my stories had changed her life.

 I was surprised, to say the least, and very glad that I’d been careful to write realistic scenes. I had felt it was important to do so because a) I wanted the reader to have an authentic vicarious experience, and b) I knew I could do a lot of harm by giving misinformation. But it had never occurred to me that my writing might have such a powerful influence.

Because of this I don’t write anything I haven’t personally experienced or seen done. (Unless I’m writing something paranormal— I’ve never actually been bitten by a vampire, for instance.) Knowing that some of my readers have no idea what BDSM is really like, I want to be honest and not sacrifice reality in the name of dramatic license. Besides, I find it more interesting to read the real thing, because it can give you a new perspective. That’s one of the reasons I’m drawn to authors like Tony Hillerman or Dana Stabenow—they introduce me to cultures I’m not familiar with, and give me a sense of how the members of those cultures think. In my writers group (No Safeword Writer’s Group, a great bunch of people) I’m always fascinated when someone presents a story from a Dom’s point of view. I’m a sub, myself, and love hearing what goes on in the head of a Dom.

 BDSM BondageI will occasionally have one of my characters break the rules, and there are probably some practitioners out there who find that upsetting. But I think that’s part of writing a realistic character’s practice of BDSM. Most of us break the rules at some point. It can go horribly wrong, so I make it clear to the reader that what the character’s doing is a Really Bad Idea.

My reasons for writing BDSM erotica are still the same as they were way back then: to entertain and turn people on. But now, in addition, I hope that I can help people understand what real BDSM practitioners do. I want to open people’s minds and engage them in a world they might not otherwise know. And for those who are already into kink, I want to share my own internal experience of it, because it’s different for everyone. If I’m doing my job right, I’ll give my readers something to think about as well as something to fantasize about.



The Zen of Aphrodite

A couple of weeks ago I read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (which I highly recommend). The lead character is a young teenage girl who is murdered, and we see the lives of her family and friends through her eyes as she watches them after her death. The thing that stayed with me is how the people who loved her would always see her as fourteen years old.

We all change as we grow older. Each time we do, the person we have been dies and a new one is born. When someone you love changes, the way you love them changes as well. It can be hard to let go of the person that was and embrace the person they’ve become. But if we don’t, we end up loving a memory, not a living person. Love reinvents itself. If it doesn’t, it stagnates and dies.

Sometimes we need to grieve the loss when a relationship changes, even if that change is for the better. Parents grieve when their children grow up, but fall in love with that child all over again as he or she transforms into an adult. I think it’s important to treasure the memories of how we once loved someone while at the same time letting go so it can grow into something new. It isn’t always easy. Many times people will drift apart, and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that. But if you want to prevent it from happening you have to make a conscious choice to learn how to love that person in other ways. Perhaps that’s why some marriages last for so long. Each time one partner changes, they both look for new reasons to love each other, and don’t try to hold on to what’s been lost.

Zen Buddhists practice something called mindfulness, which means living in the present. It seems to me that the same thing can be applied to relationships: love in the present. Because if you don’t love a person as they are right now, you don’t really love them at all.

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