A woman submittingSubmission is a soft feeling. When I sink into that head space, everything melts away but the desire to please and be loved. Perhaps that need to be loved is what makes the desire to please so strong. It is a child-like state in which I have no responsibilities other than what my Dom tells me. I give up control, and that’s very freeing. The only thing I have to worry about is doing what is asked of me. My body and mind become pliant. I want tenderness, reassurance: am I doing it right? Did I make you happy? Do you want me? That last isn’t necessarily sexual. It can simply be a wish to have me close, to touch me with affection.

At its core, my submission is about the need to trust. As a child, my trust was betrayed in a way that scarred my mind and soul. Some psychologists believe that those who were abused at a young age constantly seek to re-create that dynamic. Sometimes as the victim, sometimes as the abuser. Subconsciously, we are trying to re-do what happened and resolve it in a better way. By taking a similar situation in the present and turning into something healthy, we deal with the wounds of the past and take back the power that was stolen from us.

I think that’s the key to it for me. I am giving myself over to someone, but this time it’s someone who respects my boundaries and listens to my needs. I willingly make myself helpless to this person, and trust that he or she will not betray that.

woman submitting to a male DomAm I always successful? No. Sometimes the Dom will ride roughshod over me, perhaps without intending to. When I go into that head space, I go back to a time when my feelings didn’t matter. I have trouble stating my boundaries, or even recognizing when they’ve been crossed. Because of this, I find it difficult to completely submit. I hold back for fear that I won’t be able to say no, either because I don’t realize that I need to, or because I’m afraid of failing to please. I require a Dom who will coax me to honestly think about what I feel and need, and will listen without judgment when I tell him. It takes an awfully special person to have the patience and persistence to help me let go.

Deep, true submission is rare for me. When it works, the sense of peace and well-being that fills me is beyond description. It’s not a place I want to be all the time, but once in a while can be sweet and healing.